Dear Suicidal Thoughts,
This is not you talking, and yet these words come from the hands and the mind of your own. You and I have been through a great deal together, although a goal for most humans is to never actually meet in the first place.
I thought I saw the last of you in high school, and then again once more in college, but unfortunately, you’ve been a pretty close companion over the last few months alone.
When you appear, you love to bring uninvited guests with you that deter me from my day-to-day priorities and necessary thoughts.
I wish I could say that it’s been a pleasure to get to know worthlessness, trauma, and even hopelessness, but they haven’t been too friendly as they occupy a larger space in my life. In fact, they’ve given more than they’ve taken, and it feels as though love, care, and gratitude have been run out of town because these culprits have overstayed their welcome in my home.
Your presence in my life has become more sinister than a lesson to me. To me, you are becoming a ghost that is haunting me and drifting over my shoulder like a storm cloud, ready to downpour at any moment. It doesn’t take much for you to start raining these days, as frequent pain and scars that haven’t healed love to come in and push your buttons.
While I understand your place in my life, I somehow cannot manage to create a garden of emotional radiance that could benefit from the floods of your raging storms. Plenty of friends and family have been delivering seeds of complimentary hope, but I can no longer carry the wheelbarrow of soil to plant them in.
You and I have taken our disputes to God night-after-night, and even to professionals, but while we’ve come to agreements and mediated our issues head-on, you still demand to occupy space in my life on a longer-term basis.
I don’t know if I have the motivation nor strength to hand you a permanent eviction notice anymore.
What made you want to stay with me in the first place? Were you slated to knock on my door since my birth? Or did you simply get thrown out by an enemy who wanted you to leave their own home, and invited you wrongfully to mine?
Maybe you came because we have more in common than I ever thought. Maybe I was meant to meet your toxic friends and give in to their demands. Maybe you are supposed to be the victor in the end.
But rationale would prove that that wouldn’t make sense.
You should know that I have the strength somewhere inside of me to send you away from my life and replace you. I know that deep down, I will be able to banish you from having a strong place in my life. Like every storm, there is a rainbow within it, hiding as it awaits for the sunshine to unfold.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t there just yet, but if I can hold out long enough and push through this horrific stay of yours, I have faith we may be able to become estranged.
When that light comes, I truly hope to never see you again, but unfortunately, I fear we may always be like family throughout my life.
I just hope that at some point our relationship turns into a permanently distant one, and I can remember you much more fondly as positivity delivers a healthy new life for me.
Just please always understand – you are not me, and I am not you.