Tag Archives: dreams

2016 Is The Year My Dreams Died

That sounds like the most self-deprecating shit ever, doesn’t it? There’s certainly a tone of depression in that statement, but the truth is, there’s much more acceptance to it than anything.

2016 has been a whirlwind of a year for most of us, and that’s been on all fronts whether personal, within society, or just in nature itself. If you’re like myself, then it’s been excruciatingly difficult to keep a positive attitude moving into the new year as we anticipate new demons that might be awaiting their unveiling within the cracks of our lives. While there’s a sense of peace knowing that this destructive year is moving into history, there’s also a permanent anxiety tainted on my heart.

It’s always common to take some moments to reflect on the year prior as we wind down in the last few days before we hit the refresh button. Some of us look at particular events and memories, both good and bad, and others take pride in their own growth throughout the previous 12 months. For myself, I’ve found that I’ve ended up in a worse place, both physically and emotionally, than I was just 365 days ago. Last year at this time, I was fulfilling multiple career goals, meeting all kinds of new and amazing people, constantly creating and brainstorming, and in a place of high hopes. While I made some extremely significant accomplishments in 2016 that I look back on with the utmost pride, I also fell down a well of rough patches, and have been struggling to get back on my feet ever since. With each turmoil, my sense of optimism was scratched away a little more, and my pessimism went into overdrive. Negativity soon consumed me.

This year, my dreams and goals were slingshot into a concrete wall without any pieces left to pick up.

All year I have been continuously complaining about why my former ideas and goals went into a vault I forgot the password to. I constantly sought out someone or something to point the finger at as to why I was pushed back down the ladder after climbing it for 5 years. I let myself pile on the rage, frustration, and self pity all while I continued down a path that landed me in an emotional dungeon.

A couple of weeks ago, one more hardship came, which felt like the nail in the coffin. I was ready to give up. I prayed for my disappearance. Deleting all of my social media without any intention of returning, I snapped and completely went off the radar. My emotional towel was rung out and drained completely. After some extremely caring and selfless friends gathered up a search party for me, leading to missed calls, voicemails, and dozens of texts, two mental alarms suddenly went off in my head.

The first reminded me of how far I’ve come in the last 10 years, the battles I’ve already dominated, and the strength I believe I have to conquer more of them. The second alarm, however, was much more puzzling, heartbreaking, and relieving all at the same time.

My dreams disintegrated because of me. All this time, I was the one holding the slingshot.

For every finger I tried to point, the universe was actually pointing it right back at me. Every failure or surrender I made was on my own merit. Yes, there were plenty of circumstances out of my control, but my reaction and actions following are all completely within my own reach.

I look back at my 2016 goals list that I wrote up on December 31, 2015, and I see some check marks, but the ones without accomplishments to match came from my poor attitude and unwillingness to take on the challenge. Whether it was “doubling my brand,” developing better relationships, being persistent, putting on artists, or performing poetry, I held my goals from coming into fruition hostage. There is no other way to see it. While I was fighting an emotional war and busy trying to gather materials to conquer it as a one-woman army, I wrote letters home to myself of excuses, complaints, pain, and frustration. There was a way to bring my dreams to life, and I was too busy being stubborn to embrace it.

Life will always get in the way and throw shade at your success, but it will only interfere to the point of no chance of a comeback if you allow it.

For 2017, I vow to fight for what I want and what I know I’ve earned, and take care of myself in the way that I truly deserve. It’s time we all look in the mirror of fate. Don’t blame the world for holding you back. Sometimes it’s your own hands grabbing your shoulders. Lend a hand. Ask “how are you?” more. Open up your heart, and accompany it with your words. Appreciate the ugliness that blinds you. Accept that your lifelong plan is not always the right or best one for yourself. Roadblocks might be more helpful than harmful.

My life has done a complete 180 in the last 12 months, but the pilot seat is only fit for me to fill. Taking breathers is allowed, accepting a different route is permitted, but abandoning dreams shouldn’t be tolerated by any means. Get your shit together, Lindsey.

If you’re like me, make sure you stop in your tracks and come to your senses before it’s too late. Throw your tantrum, but don’t let it keep your down. People, love, and hope will lift you off the floor, but they can’t take the next step for you.

With that being said, good riddance 2016, and good riddance to my own bullshit.

How To Admit You’ve Lost Yourself When Everyone Seems Found

The phrase “fake it until you make it” might be the best piece of advice a particular individual receives, but the biggest downfall another overhears.

For most of those who partake in everyday social media, it’s easy to see those who are constantly posting about their life’s highs, their outstanding accomplishments, and their consistent happiness. Everyone goes through the trenches of life at times, but seeing it plastered on a public platform hardly ever peeks it’s way through the cracks.

For myself, you won’t find much of my hardships making their way onto my social media accounts, unless I simply find a message or issue that can serve to help others within them.

Today is another one of those times.

For most who only know me or have access to me through social media, my life looked exceptionally more glamorous than average over the last few years. From a celebrity interview here, to attending a grand event there, I heard the phrase “I want your life” more than one time from others of my generation, and peers surrounding. At one point, I truly believed I was capable of obtaining all of my dreams.

Sadly, I’ve had to create a shield around my optimistic mindset with a more pessimistic one. My life has always worked where my blessings tended to come out of my darkest times, eventually leading to some even darker ones following. I’ve always felt forced to live by the negative phrase, “Nothing lasts forever.” It’s felt like the loss of complete happiness has been shoved down my throat one too many times.

This year has been probably the toughest year of my entire life. From serious issues throwing me overboard in my personal life, battling some of the most extreme up’s and down’s of my mental and physical health, and watching my dreams slip through my hands, my losses have consumed me.

My passion for writing and using my voice has significantly deteriorated, and the purpose I thought was meant for me feels like a faded fog in the distance that’s about to disintegrate into the air. A merry-go-round of unplanned circumstances has annihilated all of the steps I took towards my goals and dreams that I thought I was so close to accomplishing. Even music feels like biting into a tasteless food these days. My anxiety has pushed me into an emotional manhole that I can’t find my way out of.

There’s no other way to say it. I’ve completely lost my grasp on the amazing individual I thought I once was. I took a look in the mirror of my life, and the person I wanted to be is no longer looking back. They’ve checked out. My initial purpose has turned to sand and has fallen between the spaces in my fingers. I’ve lost control of my happiness, and I can feel negativity consuming me.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

This should be the time where I preach about how this is a part of my journey, or how something will happen and I’ll get back on track. It’s easy to hear from others, and it’s easy to tell myself it, but being lost doesn’t necessarily mean you believe it. It’s always difficult to watch others become just as lost as you, but know exactly how to keep going, leaving you in the dust. The discouragement can be overwhelming. Not all of us are built to keep going without a real plan of action first, or have a backup handy.

Like so many others like myself at this point, we are petrified of looking ahead. The sense of losing our steering wheels means we’re currently driving a car that can go in any direction. We shouldn’t focus on the road blocks ahead and how to go around them. We shouldn’t continue to panic about losing control of the car’s direction. At the end of the day, our focus needs to remain on the speed. We are the ones in control of how slow or fast this car goes. The vehicle will pick a direction, but those that are lost will be able to choose whether they continue down the path, or slow up and wait for a new one.

Don’t ever think it isn’t okay to slow down. If you have put in the work to build the car, you should be able to sit back and relax in it when the road ahead looks murky and filled with fog.

Losing yourself will always take a huge blow on an individual’s mental health. It doesn’t have to destroy you to the point of no rebuild being possible. As cliché as it may sound, sometimes God has to take things that brought out the great in you to catapult you into something that will bring out the best in you. It’s up to you to be ready to accept it.

If you’re driving down your path of life, and things get cloudy, look for me currently on the side of the road bumping God’s Son and Kirk Franklin’s Losing My Religion until further notice. Those who lose their success to incidents beyond their control tend to be the ones who are given the chances of gaining the most control in the end.

Don’t worry, honey. If all else fails, success sometimes can be the tow truck that’s on the way.

A scared, panicked, but slightly hopeful, lost soul